The Fighter

Most days I feel like a boxer, a few years beyond his prime, haven taken one too many punches to the head.
My face is bloodied, battered, bruised, and broken.
My eyes all but swollen shut, barely able to see my opponent.
My ribs are cracked, and each breath is more difficult than the last one.
My hands are a mangled mess, shattered knuckles, creaky joints, taped too tightly inside my boxing gloves.
My legs are sore, my knees and feet ache, my body wobbles beneath its own weight.
I'm not sure what keeps me standing, leaning on my opponent, holding onto the ropes.
Help me Father, it's all I can muster just to stay upright.
I don't want to throw in the towel yet.
Please God, help...

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

- Langston Hughes, "Dreams"

Faith, Trust, and Hope

How do I explain my faith? Usually I point to my past, and then explain that God has taken someone like I was, and turned my life around. And He can do the same for others. But do I have the stomach to actually say that to someone who questions my faith? I trust I will, once He puts that person in front of me.

I am in a point in my career, where I can only trust His will for me. I have been heading towards the destination that He put on my heart quite some time ago - to be a counselor. However, after many years of education, unpaid internships, a half-time position followed by a full-time six month gig, I find myself where I started - out of work and desperately needing full-time employment soon (within a month). The pool of money set aside to survive on has all but run dry. Do I trust He will provide? Most days, yes I do. Lately, I have really begun to question Him, and my hope has been shaken.

If I put my hope in Him, He will give me all that I desire. A job counseling students, financial stability, and an eventual wife and children. When I put my hope in other people and things, I will fail. Help me Lord to not lose sight of my hope - You.

Faith, trust, and hope. God, God, and more God!

Twins

Target Field, warm June night, cold beer, hot dog, Twins win!

Mother's Day 2010

A great breakfast at Zumbro's,
A long walk around Lake Harriet,
Recollections of my Mom,
Planting flowers in her memory (petunias, geraniums, and marigolds; with the help of my neighbor Tom),
Maybe a trip later to her grave...
Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms.

Be God's

"Many of us want to be 'good,' and Rich [Mullins] believed that being good was a noble pursuit. But the highest pursuit was not to be good, but to be God's. The best thing any of us can be is fully devoted to the God who loves us with a passionate, reckless, furious love."

- James Bryan Smith, An Arrow Pointing to Heaven

MLB 2010 Picks (delayed)

My friend Jamie called me out awhile ago, to make my predictions for this MLB season. Here they are (finally).

AL Central: Minnesota Twins
AL East: New York Yankees
AL West: Los Angeles Angels
AL Wildcard:Tampa Bay Rays

Yanks over Twins, Angels over Rays
Angels over Yanks

NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals
NL East: Philadelphia Phillies
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Wildcard: Colorado Rockies

Phillies over Cards, Dodgers over Rockies
Phillies over Dodgers

World Series: Phillies over Angels in 6 games

Spring Break - Wednesday

A leisurely breakfast at Zumbro, then a few errands. A few hours sitting outside in the warm sun, feeling the light breezes, reading Agassi's book. My brain finally winding down...a much needed break.

Spring Break - Tuesday

I could get used to this sleeping in late! After a nice, restful morning, I went to Normandale Lake for a long walk. Now I think it's nice enough again to grab my book and head outside for a bit. Plus, a fire tonight at Dan and Heidi's - Spring break rocks!

Spring Break - Monday

This morning I slept in until around 9:00, and then enjoyed a raspberry muffin (from Zumbro) and some coffee. I then got a little work stuff out of the way (applied for a few jobs for next Fall, and got back in touch with my placement agency for the Summer hopefully).

I then spent quite a bit of time raking the yard, picking up the flower beds, and enjoying the glorious sunshine. I am now going to grab a few good books, sit in my chair outside, and partake in a cigar -- I love Spring break!

Twins Open House

Today the Minnesota Twins had an open house to view the new Target Field, open only to season ticket holders. A friend (Jamie) and I bought a 20-game package, and we received free tickets to today's event. Unfortunately, Jamie was in Germany on a missions trip, so my friend Dan joined me instead. It was an awesome day! I am so happy that the Twins are finally going to be playing outdoors, where baseball is meant to be played. The grass was covered up today for some reason, but it still looked great. Here are a few pictures of the stadium.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a bitch (harsh, but true). I am tired of seeing everyone else get what I want. Finding someone to love, being loved by another, getting married, having children, raising a family. Man was not designed to be alone; that is why God created woman. Yet, I am still alone.

I am sick and tired of going places and being by myself - a restaurant, a store, a mall, the movies, etc. I once had hopes and dreams of being a husband and a father, but not so much anymore. I am beginning to doubt it will ever happen. Each passing day I see another gray hair in my sideburns and goatee. I am beginning to feel my age; my body aches. I wake up each morning alone, and fall asleep each night alone. I go to school, come home each night, and spend too much time without someone to talk to, to share a meal with, to read a book or watch TV beside, to nap along with, or to sit in blissful silence with.

I am not expecting an answer from anyone, and am really tired of their sympathy or lack of patience. People don't know what to say to me, how to treat me, what to do with me. Being single isn't all that some people think it is - I'd trade places with just about anyone else.

I have turned the comment feature off on this post, as I don't want anyone to post the same old, same old. I am not expecting sympathy, suggestions, or even prayers. I am being honest, raw, and vulnerable. My life is really difficult, as I struggle getting through each and every day. God knows my heart, as He gave me these desires. Yet, I am not comforted by His presence - I cannot talk to Him face to face, argue with Him, plead with Him, or even question His will. He is not keeping me company when I need it the most. I will always follow Him, but I am having a really hard time understanding why I am alone.

A single glove, a single sock, dinner for one...all missing something. Just my thoughts and feelings, that is all. Honest, raw, vulnerable, and lonely.