Loneliness

Loneliness is a bitch (harsh, but true). I am tired of seeing everyone else get what I want. Finding someone to love, being loved by another, getting married, having children, raising a family. Man was not designed to be alone; that is why God created woman. Yet, I am still alone.

I am sick and tired of going places and being by myself - a restaurant, a store, a mall, the movies, etc. I once had hopes and dreams of being a husband and a father, but not so much anymore. I am beginning to doubt it will ever happen. Each passing day I see another gray hair in my sideburns and goatee. I am beginning to feel my age; my body aches. I wake up each morning alone, and fall asleep each night alone. I go to school, come home each night, and spend too much time without someone to talk to, to share a meal with, to read a book or watch TV beside, to nap along with, or to sit in blissful silence with.

I am not expecting an answer from anyone, and am really tired of their sympathy or lack of patience. People don't know what to say to me, how to treat me, what to do with me. Being single isn't all that some people think it is - I'd trade places with just about anyone else.

I have turned the comment feature off on this post, as I don't want anyone to post the same old, same old. I am not expecting sympathy, suggestions, or even prayers. I am being honest, raw, and vulnerable. My life is really difficult, as I struggle getting through each and every day. God knows my heart, as He gave me these desires. Yet, I am not comforted by His presence - I cannot talk to Him face to face, argue with Him, plead with Him, or even question His will. He is not keeping me company when I need it the most. I will always follow Him, but I am having a really hard time understanding why I am alone.

A single glove, a single sock, dinner for one...all missing something. Just my thoughts and feelings, that is all. Honest, raw, vulnerable, and lonely.

Contentment

Some thoughts from Donald Miller's latest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, that are really hitting close to home with me these days:

"God allows Job's family to be taken, along with his wealth and his health. Job calls out to God, asking why God would let this happen. God does not answer Job's question. It's as though God starts off his message to the world by explaining there are painful realities in life we cannot and will never understand. Instead, he appears to Job in a whirlwind and asks if Job knows who stops the waves on the shore or stores the snow in Wichita every winter. He asks Job who manages the constellations that reel through the night sky."

"And that is essentially all God says to Job. God doesn't explain pain philosophically or even lists its benefits. God says to Job, Job, I know what I am doing, and this whole thing isn't about you. Job responds, even before his health and wealth are restored by saying, 'All of this is too wonderful for me.' Job found contentment and even joy, outside the context of comfort, health or stability. He understood the story was not about him, and he cared more about the story than he did about himself."

"Paul says Jesus is the hope that will not disappoint. I find that comforting. That helps me get through the day, to be honest. It even makes me content somehow. Maybe that's what Paul meant when he said he'd learned the secret of contentment."

I like it when God speaks to me through other people, and through their experiences. It shows me that I am not alone in my own thinking, that others have similar struggles too. I have a long way to go towards being content, but I am at least on the path, walking towards it...

Fall

A chilly, rainy Saturday afternoon in October - a good cigar, a roaring fire, baseball and football on T.V.

PGA Championship

This morning my friend Jeff and I went to the practice round of the 2009 PGA Championship at Hazeltine! First, we watched Fred Couples and Padraig Harrington at the driving range. Next, we followed some groups playing the 10th hole; including Padraig, Shingo Katayama, Rod Pampling, John Daly, Angel Cabrera, and Charles Howell III. We then sat at the 16th green for a bit, and saw Irish sensation Rory McIlroy. After walking a few different holes we met up with Jim Furyk's group, and watched him. Amazingly enough, we then actually stumbled upon Phil Mickelson's group! However, my camera battery died moments before seeing Phil, so I don't have any evidence. We watched Phil hit for a few holes, and then decided to check out the pro shop before heading home. What an amazing day!

Licensed

It's official, I am now a Licensed School Counselor! In today's mail I received my license. Now the only thing lacking is a job for the Fall.

A Master

Yesterday afternoon I made it through my oral exams with flying colors, completing the last requirement for my Masters degree! It's nice to see that all of my hard work these past years have finally paid off. I need to send two more forms to the State, and then I will soon be a Licensed School Counselor. Now all that's left is to secure a job for the Fall - been applying the last few months, and will continue to do so over the Summer.

Almost Done

My thesis is being reviewed one final time, for any last minute edits; my electronic portfolio is complete; my oral exams are being scheduled; the license application process has begun; and I am continuing to apply for jobs. I am nearing the finish line!